BaBy iZzY LoVeS PaTaNiC

life...

2008-10-27T07:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, i just felt, am i too hard on myself or him??What i'm aware of is that, life's hard on me..We are different from every aspects.A girl should always be treated right and a guy should always do the right things?am i wrong to judge him when i first met him??or was it just fate that we are together...?

Sometimes i do think about this,"is this really through love?" or is it just plain normal feelings of caring for someone? i do, i do love him. but there's just alot of things that are not clear in my eyes...The way you care for me just differs from any other guy that i knew.You never did try to think of ways that will prove to me that you really love me....look at me now???why am i feeling so misery?why am i even crying out loud here when u don even care about me??when all u think about is yourself?why ain't u stopping me when i hurt myself?is that how u prove me right when i say u don love me??how could u say i'm crazy??yes!I am crazy, crazy over u, trying to figure out how we could make our love stronger every single day...but all u do is to say i'm self-centred, crazy and don't care about u...but if i don't care about u, y do i bother to talk about us???why do i want to be with u...i admit that after 3 years plus, i loved you. my feelings for u couldn't change but, i never liked u.i know it's complicated but my feelings for u are still here in my heart, but i never liked u for who u are now...y do i see all this negative things about u when i actuali love you??

Do u know that now i'm stress and confused over everything that's happening to us?first we're happy and the next moment we're not. and i never failed to not cry everyday.

when u say u wanna break up, for once i thought it was true, but the next moment u said it was out of anger that u said it. but now, how wud i know whether u really wanna break up or not?
I don't want a break up, and i will never want it.it's hard to leave someone that you had loved so much and definitely it's not a good feeling....

I swear to God that i don't want to break up wit you. I dont want to find other man..and i don want to lose u...but, y do u have to hurt my heart?and you never fixed the broken pieces. u never did. all the shwit words that cmes from u now, i don noe whether it's true or not..

If i could have one wish, i wish i could hear what you are feeling. To hear u tell our love story, our ending.our 'happy' ending? i wis i know what you are doing right now, so that i know whether are you being loyal and honest towards me........

and ya, u said i have no life....yes, i have no life....YOU are my life...... Now that i don't know what i should do, i could just reflect....i don know whether should i tell u that i love you or just break up with u since u said, u don't want me anymore.....

now that u called,what more can i hope for....?it's not about the scars that have been there since i met u but it's about curing it....u let the scars be abandoned and u never cured it instead u let it carry more weight. u let me drowned in the water for as long as i can hold my breath. for real, one day when i'm gone, don't u regret letting me suffer my whole life with u.

when people are in low mood, do u think that straight away they can just suddenly be in good mood??i don think so. .u alredy did something good and u let it turn out bad again. i've had enuf. u think what's right for u urself coz i always did help u think what's right for u but u just don appreciate it.....

Now and then...

2008-09-19T23:24:00.000-07:00

Life should be a time that you have to enjoy BUT not forgetting why we livethis life....

I was wrong about my relationship. Though i thought that everything was going great for me, it's been hard...things got too complicated ad hard for me to accept the fact that life = learning a lesson!

The happy thing that happen to me last few days was about this good fren of mine during my school days..let me call him Mr X. the most memorable thing that i never forgotten about him was the time when i diden sleep one whole nite just talking to him. We were honest to each other when we said that we like each other(mayb he forgoten) and we understading that we are not fated to be together as lovers but good frens.Therefore, i concluded that he was my first male best friend! tat's what good thing. he loves to joke around and playful. But this was in the past. Time passes by and he and me, we never got closer, we lost contact suddenly and you know, some things are just not meant to be doNE.He got his own problems and from then on, i never contact him only remembering him as a fren, indeed, a good fren.

So, i met him sometime ago and was so shock!i went silent for a few seconds and BLOOP! hey!!!how are u???and tats al i said. i diden get to say much because i was still shock by his presence..u noe, i've not met him or talk to him for like 5 years??totally silent by the shock! then, i met him on frenster. definitely i miss him rite???5 years was long enough for me to have gotten married!but definitely not with him rite??(of course lah with my hubby.)ok...we commented each other and all but, that's all. so, it's just a connection through internet. not by chatting on msn, not by talking on the phone, and don even think of meeting him and chitchat.

This was wat happen. Some people just don know how to MYOB(mind your own business) and trust me, i'll never forgive him because i've help him before in his relationship and k=now, he tried to ruin my relationship!let him find out himslef. u don need to tell him idiot!

Tat nite, hbby calling me and sc0olding me about the comment i left for him.

Listen here k hubby if you're readig this...

"I dgn die hanya setakat kawan dan i rindu die macam i rindu seorang teman. i rindu die macam i rindu faz, macam i rindu zma, macam i rindu seorang teman. i was just merely telling him tat it's been long since we talk to each other and it;s been 5 yeARS.He usd to my best fren. i use to admire him, yesh. it's the fact but itu dulu. I dgn die dah ckp dah, cear tings up that we might like each other but, we know ourselve that we are not meant to be together infact, just friends. you have ur life, and i have my life, so be it or not, we're just frens and not more than that. That is what in my mind faham by...i tak salah kan u over this matter. I salahkan myself. Pasal i create this misunderstanding between us that i said "misses from izyan".....u get what i mean.....tat was all. I'm sori for saying that but, have u ever thought why i berani accept his comment then?letting everyone see it??definitely it was because we are just frens and not what you think. if i was having any kind f relationship that is more than just frens, why would i even publicise his comment????u get it??i would i even let people viewing my profile to read that comment???u get it?tell me, who doesn't know that i alredy got a bf???u tell me now???i "showcase" u to everyone i know and almost the whole world know it(that's a lie) but y, all my frens know it. why would i want to show a bad impression to people by tunjok kan tat "eh, izyan mcm bitch siak, dah ada matair pon nk megatal"...u crazy???who ever who knows me well, definitely know the FACTs about me. You get me now?? you're everything to me...remember what i always say.."you're my boyfriend, you're my bestfriend, my brother, my sister(if u want pon can lah), my enemy, my bitch, my basterd, my rainbow, my EVERYTHING!and most of all, you're my life!"

Don even think of me and that Mr X because if u were to think that way, you're a disgrace to my level of standard of picking up guys as my bf. why would i choose him, a fren over u, my bf???

So by, don underestimate me. i'm not what u think i am."

Yap...so that's what happen to me. I'm sure if you were to be in my position, you would feel the same. Take this as a learning point and prevent the worst from happening.

and yap, i'm craving for curly thick eye lashes for this hari raya...

I love you all...

my life

2008-09-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

k...me and bf been doing great lately in the month of fasting. Alhamdulillah, Allah maha kuasa, maha penyayang...Bahagia kan kite berdua walaupon there are small problems that we face, but still manageable.

Wat i'm stressing about rite now is money matters, sleeping matters(schooling matters), Lappy matters, friends' matters.

MOney --> out of cash to celebrate raya....baju raya pon takda...ask mum, "kau pergi lah mintak bapak kau"...enough! i had enough of asking from my dad. He already gave me an allowance of $100 which $50 are for my mrt consession. Hp bill being cut off ($2++)...not working anymore....and so...wat do u expect??i shall wait for that lucky day when money falls down just like rain...

Tired of school. every single day i drag my feet to school, somemore fasting month(not actuali because of tat lah)...jst uncomfortable....always been having late nights(I can't sleep, i need sleeping pills)....Wake up morning, canot wake up, late for 4 days straight...

Laptop need upgrading...can u believe my ram is only like 200++MB???unbelievable rite??wat to do??free laptop wat....well, i need upgrading asap. Being in STA, Sonic arts need alot of these sound generating softwares.lol. Nak jadi sound engineer mah...must lah sacrifice money to upgrade but, still thinking because i thought of BEGGING my mum or my dad for a new laptop...While this laptop can be a PRESENT for my sis.lol. Hopefuly, i'm able to achieve tat.

Finally, friend matter. I don't know y i got friends who doesn't even treat me like a friend, instead a stranger.(too much negative attitude is it?)...don ven reach there to having true friends. I go to school alone because some people just don like to go with me...Go back home oso alone because???no one cared rite. being in rp, was the worst scenario. I don even have one good fren who's willing to be my FRIEND!!hemm....y ehh???m i tat attitude??i'm always consent. i do msg or msn. but some people just ignore me...when i do a good deed, people just like thank u, leave n go...k, maybe i was a bit anti-social. but come on, who doesn't when u're embarrased of wat people think of u. I don even know if anyone is even reading my blog. Well, the purpose of having this blog is to expres my feelings, so, ok...i don need to have everyone in the world to be reading my blog. people might just think tat i'm crazy. kk, enuf of tat.

Wat i want to achieve is to have good friends. I don't like having friends who come n go...i need one rite now. I don mind if she's busy all nite as long as she wants me to be part of her life....(smiles) life is great, even greater if u have good friends, moreover, true friends.

To whom they think that they're friends of mine, if i did hurt ur feelings ever, i'm sorry for all the bad things i did that make you dump me out of ur life. i need a change, i need a break.(can someone pls say, "have a kit kat?")

I love you....whoever you are.......in my life........

E25G and bf attachment

2008-09-11T08:19:00.000-07:00

I would say, new class was still ok lah....cause i still have debbie, yi wen, jiyun and etc?
There's fin, elvin tat i noe. Elvin was somehow the first malay guy i know on my first day of school, STA freshmen camp....While fin, me and bf always passes by him and we would always call him DANIEL, u noe, tat malay band tu..hahax...Last time in my class, with rendy and all, fin always came to my class, and because i was the juara for one of the shows, he noticed me and said i got a nice voice.(well, thank u)(i'm not trying to be arrogant here, it's basic courtesy..)

However, not much interaction with the classmate. Fin too..he diden talk to me...well, wat to do...i'll start to talk more after bulan puasa..lol....fasting month would rather be a good month to be silent, as in be humble lah. Don;t be so kecoh, later people pon don't like...

Enough of me...

Now, bf had been in attachment at Tuas area, at Mencast. Trust me, it's hell.. I pity him sey...2 guys got this attachment, him and Qam...now, Qam got fired and left with bf alone. Pity bf. Mana taknye....bf's the only malay guy working there. All chinese plus banglah...but sometimes mayb he's part of the banglah...haha...(hubby, baby just kidding) lol.....

Well, his boss had been trying to find his mistakes too trying to fire him too. Well, too bad, bf react fast and follow my advise. Be strong cause Allah always there for you. Everything that happen in life will always have a reason behind it. Now, he left with 2 months. Ada ke patut his oss told him to wash the toilet if u want to work here????crazy rite....??Ni lah, work in a chinese company, they are TOO BIASED AND RACIST. If more singapore companies are ike this, i would never want to live here although it's the safest country in the world!(sigh)

But too bad, bf react fast by telling his school teacher who's in-charge. And try to threaten him if he bully bf again, bf's parents goin to complain to MOM. GooD!

I'm proud of u hubby. Worries off my shoulder!pwwt!u just be patient there. Lagi 2 months rite??i'l always be there for u k babe!! i love you!!

KK....next post...

Happy 3 years anniversary sayang22-07-2008*

2008-07-29T00:12:00.001-07:00

All the hard times that we had together,pays off. although we may not be the most successful couple ever but we still can make it the best or the sweetest ones ever.

Having you is an homour because you made me to who i am today. I would say that i'm not that girl whom you first met e. i've changed either better or worst, it's because of you.I change for the better and i prevent the worst from happening. I', happy with the progress i made(if any) because of you. I'm loving you forever.

You've been a big help to me...We're more than just a friend, more than just bestfriends, more than just boyfriend-girlfriend.....we're reaching to the level of "THAT".....i know for sure, this is just the beginning....and i hope there's o ending so as we will be able to ive live happily together forever.

In bad times, you're always there, in good times, you're always there too. we both share the joy together and we shae the sadness together(erm....i should mayb think again)....

Remeber those times when i had my ex...and you had your ex....wow!!!both of us were so like decent, we were rebellious...ahax....met you the first time when you were heartbroken with your ex(seeing her with some other guy) while me....(ahah!!!met up with my sis coz she ran awaay from home rite???)....remember those days....it was like love in first sight...it took you so long to message me to start off by being friends....1 week to 2 weeks knowing you, (i'm so bad) broke up with my ex, for YOU.....met up with your ex, crying infront of you in my presence..(you're so bad too))wow...i'm sure we're suitable but i guess, now...you're the bad one and i'm the good decent girl....huhu....

remember that first kiss???haha...well, listen here all...haha...i was the first one to make that move back then...Zaimi doesn't know how to start the first move!!!!hahax.....

sweet memories that i will never forget in my life is being with you....you've been the best of me...i love you....hope that after all this 3 years together will make us more SOLID lah kan...haha....

k done!!

that gig12-07-2008*

2008-07-28T23:50:00.000-07:00

boyfriend was away for two days and me was left alone to the max....conflict with his parents...and this is not the first time..in summary of the conflict, she accused me of being a wrecker, a family wrecker...!!!hemm....wat should i react then????two words combine to one....a BIG "WATEVA".....well, "if you don't like me, tell me straight to face...lets see if your son is able to be this good again. before he knows me, life was rebellious and defiant...but look what i've done to your son now ok!!!"....

dah, dah....i'llstop.....i don't know if i'll be happy marrying off his family but i know for sure i'll be happy marrying him off alone without his family...(i know i sounded evil but, be in my place and you totally will understand it)

Ok2....stop here....yap...misses boyfriend lots...ended up buying a top up card for him but wasn't acessable there!!!had to wait for him to kol me like at night and that was like what???a minit or so...

Yap....straight to the point...went to the gig at skate park....all was grat...there was erm....decent child, one buck short, etc lah kan...got free picks!!!2 of it...haha....met up with zma, the camera girl, the best fren, the guyfren, the best fren(opps!!faz).....kak huda, hanis, sufi, etc2.....the gig was great and gues wat...happens that it was preview natinal day thingy..say the jet planes making heart shapes....so cool....if only oyfriend was here would be like so romantic....*kisses*

well, here it is then.........pics............

k done!!

Kak suzanna wedding20-07-08

2008-07-28T23:11:00.001-07:00

Sorry if too much of myself...hahax....lots of exciting things happen there. The day before, i did my hair...look!!!!it's pink strains of hair....yeah!!love it like hell ya!!!me and my sis were like crazy...we use the witch hat that my sis got it for my nephew...hahax...and me with that punk rockish look with that volcom star belt and the witchy hat...hohoho!!!

My sis did her hair, and cut her fringe...haha....well, i wonder if anyone will mistaken me and her....who is younger and who is older.....hahax....i wanna look more like a big sister then...haha....

done!!

A trip to botanic garden 25-06-08

2008-07-24T20:49:00.000-07:00

itwas a romantic moment for us to have a date at botanic garden...i think that was probably the first time i went there....well, here's the pic....

Comp Citra

2008-06-23T00:48:00.000-07:00

wow!!i would say that everything's paid off, although we didn't won anything but atleast we got categorized for the best awok2 and kesenian. but the sad thing is that bout me. K let me say that who doesn't feel sad if they can't win anything right??well i'm sad too. i've given my best, get the right rythme, the right pitching and the right action that i should do when i sing. I would definitely want to remember this Citra comp because i sang with full energy, to hope that everything goes well and this is definite, i enjoyed myself.totally. well, definitely improvements need to be made.

Well, i would want to thank all who have help us alot in this comp, i want to thank my awok2 who have been patient with me, helping me. But first things first i'm definitely thanking Nafis so much because he have been helping me with all the juara part, intro and all, and it definitely pays off bcos of his help. next would be Fai, thanking him too for helping me to bring the juara song more fluently and smoothly.and not forgetting madi, hairiel, zul and anyone else who have helped us.thank you all for the effort to actually guide us till this far.(",)

Pics--> i don hav much...onli myself....n yana...n bf...

That's all folks!!Happy!!happy!!muacks!!

* fuck up paham????!!! *

2008-05-25T19:14:00.000-07:00

first things first....

the story begins...and the truth will be revealed.
once, in the past...quite a long story....the day he wanted to be off with having a girlfriend...he went out wiht friends....he said all guys out day....no girls...i have to follow what he wants....if you girls were to be in my place, u can actually hear him crying out loud just to go out with his guy friends...fine...i let him off....i have to....pasal ape????sayang????

fine...next thing i did was i went to my brother's house...crying...sobbing....it was at late night and i went to his place to like meet him....can u imagine he off his phone and went back home so damn late....he was never out with me this late...but with his friends....???who am i???

next thing i knew he said he was on the line with his dad....for no reason i don't know...i kept on calling and calling but he never want to pick up....the next thing i knew. he said he'll meet me for a while near the bustop(187, opp. 7eleven)..fine...crying and hugging him like hell ya...i missed him....the next thing i knew, he said that after watching the movies, he went to my school and sat there alone thinking about us...i was like wow.....this wasn't what i had imagine....i never realised that he was actually those down to earth kind of guy who would want to do such soul searching....

i believe him...now that i'm back with him...good terms with him, till today that i actually viewed some guy friendster and saw his pic with some girls and guess what???it's THAT GIRL!!!pompuan yang actually dapat pikat hati die.....sedih tau....think about it..i was really damn sedih and dissapointed that he lied to me and sanggup go to the extend to actually go out with HER....how could such things occur....ape salah i buat kat u sampai u sanggup buat ni kat i....i really thank him that he uploaded that pictures in friendster because if not, i will never knew the truth till today...Ingat...tuhan tu maha kuasa...asal agaknye baru hari nie die nak i npk gambar tu....dugaan utk u dan i tempuhi...u tipu i, tuhan nampak kan kebenaran nye....

u choose to lie to me...if u did telll the truth i really don mind...because it's difficult to overcome ti now!!!!asal lepas satu...satu...u made my life difficult...i have problem with you like before today...everything went haywire....and now, tambah lagi satu masalah....

yang tak tersangka ni, u actually took pictures, nect to her, smiling so widely when you know yourself on that day, i was so fucking sad!!!!imagine being in my place...i told u i dont wantu to follow me go out with my girlfriends...the next thing i know, there was actually a guy...a guy who i have fallen for???????be in my place........be in my place!!!!!!!!imagine lah how hurtful it is to in my place!!!!ikut kan otak, sekarang jugak nak putus!!!!pasal ape????

In a relationship, there should be trust....if you were to hide things from me, how am i suppose to know the truth...and now, i know the truth and so you lied.....for me, i never lied to u, i diden hide anything from you...even if a guy message me, i would inform u....if any guys were to disturb me, i inform you...even if my ex contact me, i inform you...although i don exactly tell u on the spot sometimes, at the end of the day, u know urself, i did tell u and never hide anything while u, nor u hide things from me and u still dares to lie to me.....

some idiot you are

2008-05-11T18:53:00.000-07:00

Lots are happening in my life now that i've just realised how bad people treat me...firstly, about the sick leave...wateva k....ape salah aku buat sampai nak kene jadi gini????huh???
Fine....that will be revealed later......

Now, work place....an idiot he is!!!!Some stupid guy by the name of AMIRUL!!!i'm gonna like fuck him upside down in this blog!!!damn him...

This is how it goes....i was working morning shift on saturday and just this girl was told to handover with my bf, and guess wad she said???she said "tanak ah,takot ah ngan matair die".....eh???helo!!!are u in reality or some fantasy world of yours who u can do assumptions on me....listen here for good....i just know u like???one day...i don even know u....u're a new worker and i'm like in that company for like 1 year plus ok!!!eh!!!jgn mcm2....are u trying to say i'm wat???so that petty???kau kat keje, then kau expect aku nak marah kau for no reason???eh...ni keje tau bukan kat luar kau Lepak2 ngan laki2 ite....kau blh relek sua...kau blm kenal aku nak burok kan name aku kepe????kat sape tu kau ckp???manager???MY MOTHER IN LAW YOU UNDERSTAND???!!!! fuck you!!!cube ah kat tempat aku...mane kau tau aku ni matair die???kau baru kenal aku, jumpe aku harini je sak!!!abeh tau aku nie matair die, matair aku tu anak nye boss....stop it sak...and it's like contradicting....and this definitely comes from THat AMIRUL'S MOUTH....!!!

Kau eh...stop ah...kau ingat aku tak tau kepe yang kau dah bebual blkg pasal aku...heloo!!!mulut sape lagi sial???dgn smue org kau nak bodek2....pasal ape???kau ni anak orang kaya????soooo????kaya kat dunia????Miskin kat akhirat nanti....kalau kau tu baik sangat, asal kau nak bilang cite2 aku ngan matair aku kat IRA???ntah dgn sape lagi kau dah bebual blkg pasal aku...sial ah...nak bebual, bebual depan2 ah...nak cakap ape????("AKU KESIAN AH TENGoK KAU,PAT. BEBUAL NGAN POMPUAN PON TAK BOLEH")
suke hati aku ah...itu matair aku ke matair kau???kau gay???

helo....sape lagi sial tau pasal hal aku selain kau????Cik laila pon ckp mulut kau tu kalah juboh ayam!!!kau nak cite kan ape???aku dataNg skola kau buat hal ngan matair aku????jgn nak bertopeng lah....perangai macam siak....ajar matair aku ape????ajar matair aku kua ngan kau, hiraukan diri aku???ajar matair aku contact2 ngan pompuan lain???scandal2???timer2???helo...matair aku ni baik!!!kau aje yang nak burok2 kan orang2 yang baik2 jadi tak baik macam kau....pasal kau jugak ape lepak2 uat yang bukan2....ngan kau jugak ape....kau tu yang buruk nak ajar matair aku uat perkare macam sial...aku tak kasi ke kasi matair aku kawan ngan pompuan ke tak, sukehati aku..asal kau nak masok campur hal aku ngan matair aku....hello...cukop ah...aku ngan matir aku dah ok2...dah baik2....jgn nak mencerobohkan lagi aku nye relationship....kau tu tak pasal ah...dah ade matair ke takde, takde bezanye....tetap boleh nak flirt2 ngan pompuan lain...A BIG JERK...and i would say, no girl would want to have a long term relationship with you cause u aren't sincere....u tink with money you can buy love????U'll never be successful in ur love life!!!jgn ganggu hidup aku nGAN matair aku lagi!!!aku tak akan terime kau sebagai kawan aku lagi cause you put on two faced mask....and i'll never know who's the real you...cos u look fake all around...nak step baik2....pls ah...aku tak akan terime kau lagi sebagai KAWAN.....kau dah cube nak influence my bf with lots of stuff...kalau kau kawan yang baik, u wud have taught him to be nicer, to be someone who i would love more and not someone like you!!!unfaithful!!!my bf also shares the same views....so don ever disturb him too!!!!I've been with him for like 2 years plus nak masok 3 years..nak ckp kau lebih kenal die lame???sorie ckit....i noe him much longer than u do....he noes me best...not u....SOOOOOOOOOO........

YOU CAN JUST GET LOST!!!

I'M SICK OK??

2008-05-09T06:01:00.000-07:00

I'm sick....it's been for a few days already...voice sux to the max...can't sing and all....i was wondering ,with whispers in my ears....m i just a total failure??or m i just not in this line???dissapointed....and sadness...who doesn't???imagine you wanting to go on striving and reaching for your goals when there's just something that stops you from going and there's nothing much you can do about it...It's really sad ah..Come on...i've been eyeing for this dream like???FOREVER??
if it's just that i don have the talent, then ok lah...maybe i REALLY a total failure????sad ah...seriously....shud i just go for something else???find a new hobby???like nothing better to do...do something that people would actually give me one more chance in reserving my dream...my ambition....my everything.....hemm...how???how to when i'm just a beginner right???i'm still new and i still need the experience...one day i'm off and i just lost the opportunity....seriously....i feel like crying...it's like i haven't got that far yet...like why now???give me a chance to reach somewhere high and then fine, i'll leave if you want me too...oh yarh..i forgot...i'm just nothing...there's nothing special about me cos i'm just a normal typical girl who goes yaya over things that they shouldn't, rite??? If u understand it then, be in my shoes....you'll totally feel sad, sad, sad, sad, sad and totally 100% sad....it's just that i'm not ready...i'm not satisfied with my strengths cos there many weaknesses that i should take note of...i really hope that there's a light at the end of the tunnel cos i really need it now cos i just have the passion for it...seriously, it's sad to see your dream being flush down the toilet bowl u see...
I really hope that what i'm facing rite now is nothing cos there's a biger opportunity awaits me.....

Ended blogging at 9:16pm, 9 may 2008

~???~

2008-05-05T19:50:00.000-07:00

It's been long since i've blog...and so today...i just feel like blogging...

i just wanna share this lyrics....

Indahnya dunia ini

Pabila ku melihat langit yang biru

Dan awan putih berdebu.

Merasakan angin yang mendayu-dayu.

Diiringi seseorang yang sangat disayangi.

Indahnya kehidupanku jikalau

tidak bertemankan sayu

Mengingati masa-masa yang berlalu

Dengan kemanisan waktu dahulu

Hanyaku biar ia berlalu
Tanpa merasa kekesalan di hatiku
Ku hanya dapat membuka mata
Bangkit daripada mimpi indahku

Hanya bertemankan sayu
tanpa tempat mengadu
Mana pergi kekasihku
yang selama ini ku cintai.......

Inilah perasaan hatiku yang ku rasai selama ini.

*SpEEcHLess*

Ended bloggig at 9.00pm

_life still goes on_

2008-01-29T22:47:00.000-08:00

Life still as bad as it seems...i just hope for a miracle to happen.....

Huby.....i hope you'll stay to love me my whole life............You're everything and i'm so willingly to do anything for you....i can't lose you.....you're my everything....Please don't ignore me...more importantly, pls don't ignore US....our life, our relationship and our futurelies in your hand...i mean you decide your life.....

I really hope you'll stay happy with me till eternity.....

If you really want to leave me then hurt my feeling like nobody business so that i won't have a single dot of love for you....(but i really hope that won't happen ya dude)

Ok2....serious matter....i just love you so much and no one will ever replace you for the good or for the worst......I love you......

Ended blogging : 3.02pm-30-01-2008

~bad days~

2008-01-27T23:03:00.000-08:00

Life's bad....on the day that i broke up with him, i came to mit him under his blk.....i told him to come down, but he diden....suddenly, i saw his uncle,argh!!!he saw me cry...shit!!..now he's goin to tell bf's parents...thanx ah.....but then, he said, bf's not at home...i'm like shit!!!wher did he go sey????got to know he just came baq with parents from work...tau tak yang i very sad....he left me all alone sayig he does't want to mit me, saying his tired but then he was at work....y diden he wnt to mit me at work or sumthing...itupon tanak....mit up...and i was so crazy...ike hel crazy...mind went haywire and i can't think straight.beg him like hell to come baq to me...i think and i believe that he came baq to me because he don't want anything crazy to happen or because he just sympathise me....

Sape tak kesian kan pompuan giler macam aku nie???

erm......i don't think he reads my blog cos kan die selalu busy and dah takde mase for me...u noe i feel really jealous when i see guys who blogs or give love letters to their girlfren....they express their biggest eelings to the girl and let the girl feel so touch.....aku tak tau lah....aku tak tau ape lagi nak buat utk baik kan situasi nie....

if only HE is reading....

Dear hubby,

pertame sekali i ingin mintak maaf ngan u dulu. Memang i tahu yang i dah buat byk salah kat u..sakit kan hati u.....buat u rase takut...utk dgr kate i aje....buat u macam anjing kan???ye...i sedar kesilapan i tapi mesti ke u layan i, treat me like this.....u start to scold me.....make me feel so scared and hurt my feelings.....?

i know that maybe u nak balas dendam...by, kalau u nak balas dendam kat i u cakap je k....u tak payah nak treat i this way...bilang aje, "i nak u rasekan ape yang i rasekan dulu!!"

U tak perlu nak sengaje treat i this way...buat i nangis every single day....u ckp u penat nak layan i???do u noe how hurtful it is???abeh u ingat i tak penat skrg every single day nak pikir kan pasal perasaan u...u tau sampai i dah tak kenal diri i sendiri...utk u punye kesenangan, i sanggup buat tapi ape i dapat???i sanggup tapi u cume tau untuk balas dendam...sakit kan hati i....

by, i sayang sgt dgn u...i tanak putus dgn u. i nak kite hapi2 je mcm pertame kali kite jumpe....tapi u???u dah tanak i lagi...dah malas nak layan i. i noe deep inside you masih nak putus ngan i....pasal u dah malas, dah jelak, dah bosan dgn i...i just don't get u no more...u dah berubah....berubah by.....dah tak kenal...mungkin i dah tak bergune lagi dalam hidup u???

I don't mind being treated this way k...i'll just look upon the future to what i have to go through wif you....i hope wat u said about "our love won't last till eternity" is not true......

*BaBy IzZy*

ended blogging: 2.45pm- 30-1-2008

~dk training~

2008-01-27T23:01:00.000-08:00

Firstly, ladiez, endangs...i'm sorry i can't attend todays training...sorry k....aku sakit and i just injured my leg...so, i guess i can't make it....sorry ye darlingz....

Heartbroken

2008-01-24T23:09:00.000-08:00

i still can't believe that he is still bahaving this way to me....i'm starting to be suspicious of him...
You see....continuing back to yesterday's story wher i diden know what to reply to him when he msg what promise could i make for him....i still don't know and he told me that i should promise him to give him breathing space....actually he ask me about what does he mean by my breathing space...but i asked him back cos for me....i don want any breathing space. when i fall, i fall hard....
and i only want to spend time with HIM every single day and every single second but wat more can i do if he just don't want it. to him, freedom is something that he needs and for me i don't want it...Oh GOD.pls show me the right path.....he still acts angry and harsh to me till nw...and the reason is he said he still hears my voice insulting him....i really feel like giving up...he said his heart still hurts and that's y he's been acting this way.....for wat i know, i'm heartbroken too....in a mince of thinking about it aready makes me wanna cry...really....i'm really hurt but now, i realsie no one gives a damn.....u see.....i'm the type of person who doesn't have friends.....i just realise today that i got no good friends in RP..i don't know why......if only i have close friend...i would always wanna go out with them every single day and hang out with them but u see.....i got no one...i wish i could.....

Today
he's tired of me......he doesn't want to mit me....i'm so disappointed..........ape aku nak buat....ikut kan hati mmg sedang menangis di hati...since i'm in school, i can't cry....i'm so sad....i can't go on anymore.....ingat satu hari kau akan nampak ape yang kau telah lakukan pade aku......engkau akan nampak...amin.....(i prayed hard that one day, you will see the outcome of what you have done to me)

ended blogging at 3.38pm in school....

i'm totally broken hearted....

2008-01-24T03:47:00.000-08:00

he asked for a break up.....mati-mati nak putus....macam mane boleh rabak gini...i want to die now...can????suicide????can????i don need any future no more....he's seriously want a break up...jahat sgt ke aku sampai die sanggup ckp putus????Ya Allah!!!tolong lah aku.....

asik die mintak putus,putus,putus....takde org yang pernah aku rely on mcm mane aku rely kat die...dah macam darah daging sendiri.depressed siak....harap2 takde pape kan jadi kat aku...

I'm so sad....boyfren doesn't want me anymore.....i don't know what else to change the situation....even the word "I LOVE YOU" doesn't work on him..................

indah, manisnya cinta,
semuanya terasa indah
bagai dek alam
cerita cinta hadir bahagia selama-lama.

katamu kekasih yang sedang kita alami
takkan kekal tuk selamanya
mengapa kekasih tiada kau percaya
kebenaran cerita kita,

bagaimanakah lagi untuk aku buktikan
selamilah pada kejujuranku.
jadikanku arjuna,arjuna di hatimu.
Percayalah oh puteri.......

ni lah ape yang aku rasekan skrg.......i'm so useless yet no one cares.....he hates me now and i don't know what else to do you see.....of cos i don't want a break up. i really, really do love him truly from my heart...i got scolded from parents when i firstly started the relationship but i still go on strong....our relationship did exist a third party, by my naked eyes but, i still love him and doesn't hate him.....what ever that he did to me that's hurtful, i tried to let go......and still love him more than today but....y didn't he see's that all in his heart....i noe...i'm wrong.....i call him names, hurt his feelings and it's definitely hard for him to please me....i know i'm the stupid one but do i deserve this after all that we've gone through for 2 years 6 months and 2 days????

now...i'm blogging at8.20pm at my bro's hous and he just msg me saying if i were to patch things up wif him, wat will i promise him....???

I don't know if i could make him happy...with my stupid fucking attitude like this...how am i suppose to promise him anything.....this seems hard for me....u noe...i wish i could make him happy by breaking up with him but....it's hard for me to be single...i can't...i was mend to live with him my whole life...i was never embarrassed when i m with him...i got no secrets hidden from him...well...maybe for a guy like him, i'm sure he have secrets......he had never tried to tell me anything about his guy stuff....although i seem to be interested...well, back to here....i just replied to him the i promise that i will be willingly to die for his love.....i don't know lah...i seriously want to make him happy by breaking up with him because he wants it.....but since i can't, i don't know what to say.....................

To be continued....

ended blogging at 8.28pm

I'm trying to be an apathetic person but........

2008-01-23T19:28:00.001-08:00

Apathetic-having or showing little or no emotion
i never really wanted to be apathetic until to day because i felt that i'm soo into my feelings. I like to express and follow my feelings and my heart too much thati end up with y own mess. I really hope that i could be apathetic but how am i suppose to???I'm a woman and a woman always have their feelings being showed and never want to let go of problems unless the "guys" will be able to show them their sincerity on apologising or solving this thingsso that we woman will feel better or relieve. But do guys ever think that way???well some guys do...for me....not at all.....I'm very fussy and definitely it's dificult to satisfy me..But well, if he even notice and observe me and know me that well after 2 years 6 months together, he doesn't even know how to do all that. I'm dissappointed that after al this time being together, he doesn't even know how to satisfy me....how sad...

Today
he definitely nail it. He let me go to school alone, have late nights and giving me stupid reasons on why he wants to be this way. Fine....nothing i could do or says now works on him. I just give up ok.....he wants this not me. Being egoistic and does't wan tto give face to his own girlfriend. Hey..i'm his girlfriend and he have to say something like do what you want,u started it because of your attitude,u think if u say all this would make me come back to you?if you are brave enough, go ahead and do it. no one can take ur attitude. u like the way it is rite now. so u can cut the crap.don make me as the thing u throw ur stupid ideas to.

I'm so sad..I've been patient for like more than 12 hours not being in good terms with him. I'm so.....so.....sad......i tried to flirt around but i just can't because my heart is still with him.....i still love him for whatever that he had done to me till i'm like this but still i love him....i really wanna be apathetic.

To be continued.....

what i'm feeling right now

2008-01-23T18:58:00.000-08:00

Gerhana meliputi segala
Tiada lagi sinaran cahaya
Keinginan tanpa kepastian
Tak mampu rasanya ku teruskan
Ku meneruskan...
Chorus
Biarlah ku relakan segala
Walau hidupku sebuah tanda tanya
Mengapa...
Biarpun tak mampuku bertahan
Tak akan pernahku akui kalah
Masih terdampar ku disini
Tiada jalan mungkinku lalui
Harusnya hidupku dipersenda
Mengharungi dugaan melanda
Ku berserah...
Chorus
Biarlah ku relakan segala
Walau hidupku sebuah tanda tanya
Mengapa...
Biarpun tak mampuku bertahan
Tak akan pernahku akui kalah
Ending
Tuhanku ku relakan segala
Takkan pernahku akui kalah
Percayaku yakin padanya
Dia yang menentukan semua
Ku berserah...

happy sad birthday to you hubby...

2007-12-27T02:07:00.000-08:00

hubby's bday today but he's gone for a holiday....4 days without him....so sad.....can't hear his voice much...and can't even get to mit him...

whatever it is...happy bday sayang....may what u dream of will come true....

i've done whaterver that i cud fir u but so sorry if it feels like nothing...i don get to buy u any presents cos i don feel like celebrating it since u're overseas...nothing much that i cud do for u...so sorry...

well, i'm off now...nk siap2 go out dinner with family celebrating mama's bday...hope u have a good time ther....i love u always and will be missing u lotsss!!!

signing off....6.17pm...

Life's not getting better...

2007-11-25T21:31:00.000-08:00

irritated and annoyed sad and dissapointment

how can i put it???i thought i would be hapier by now....but i just don't....
bf finish school at 11++am....if he misses me,like always, he wud be on the way to my school. i asked him out for lunch but he doesn't want it...sad....he would always not reject me to have lunch with him but he now does...(people do change....probably he is just tired of having lunch with me....would rather have lunch with someone else) and the reason he gave was....."i'm tired...."
how can i say that i'm angry at him since he had already scolded me like hell to not be angry at him...well, as reflected on the rules that i have made for myself..i'm not suppose to be angry at him for wateva reason so long as he's happy and i'm not...u noe....i just don't know how to control this feeling....i just feel so heartbroken and ike my mind is not at ease...y is that so???
disapointed that my own bf not willing to do anything for me rite now???
u noe, if no one's in this class, i just wish i cud cry rite now???cos i think i i cry, atleast i did express my feelings and don't need to hold on to it till like when??nite???

i'm so like dissapointed now...
Changes i could see in him(VERY CRITICAL)
- don't care about my feelings
-don't care about my thoughts
-don't care about the priority
-don't care about me like he used to.......
my heart, my soul and my life...
i'm having a headache now....(pls stop thinking about this pain)
been doing all the soul-searching all this time....

i'm just left with nothing other than listening to all that he have to say..
I'll stop being EGOISTIC....
Now i noe how it feels like to do what he have been doing for e all this time....listening and following whatever i have to say...being scolded by me..hearing me calling him names...stupid..idiot...sial....haiz....WhAt A ME???!!!

i realise that maybe i was too over-protective, over-the-limits....
no wonder he wants to leave me......
hemm.....m i tat bad???

u noe...i just feel like ending everything...

he told me to call, i just avoid him by just msging him...i'm too tired of always having to realise what mistakes he did to me.

why am i like this???why can't i be like any other girls who is enjoying their lifes...
Freedom is really not my TYPE....but being loved and loving someone.....living with the boyfriend is my kind of thing....
Since i was in sec 4, i 've been relying on my beloved hubby....how can i just end it like this...

what more can i do....???think about it...think....(ahhhhhh!!!!!!!)
i'm almost giving up.....
cannn i???

i'm stopping here...

tat's all folks...

2.34pm

busy...

2007-11-25T01:07:00.000-08:00

I've not been blogging like since forever...i've got no time in mind to blog and when i feel like blogging, it's just not the appropriate time because blogging in school, it takes so long to upload pictures...and while at home, it's just been tiring for me.....
well, guess???
I'm left at home with nothing to do... today's my sister's engagement day and boyfriend's not here with me..."busy with his family outing to his cousins wedding invitations"....
I've never been putting him aside whenever i'm with my cuzin or any kind of event...he's either always there with me or it's just that both of us are busy...but, today...is totally different... i'm here sitting down infront of my comp with a down face, ALTHOUGH it was my sister's engagement day... i diden even have the time to smoke things out....wat a sad thing to be doing now....
Alot of things have been happenning recently in my love life... we had the like 2nd biggest quarrel ever had on our 2 years 4 months anniversary....a bad one....
well....this will explain....

Paramore - My Heart lyrics
I am finding out that maybe I was wrongThat I've fallen down and I can't do this aloneStay with me, this is what I need, please?Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to youWe could sing our own but what would it be without you?I am nothing now and it's been so longSince I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hopeThis time I will be listening.Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to youWe could sing our own but what would it be without you?This heart, it beats, beats for only youThis heart, it beats, beats for only youThis heart, it beats, beats for only youMy heart is yoursThis heart, it beats, beats for only youMy heart is yours(My heart, it beats for you)This heart, it beats, beats for only you (It beats, beats for only you)My heart is yours (My heart is yours)This heart, it beats, beats for only you (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)My heart, my heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is yours(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is yours(Please don't go, please don't fade away) (Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is...

Well....paramore's been my bestfriend these few days.....

Probably, breaking up with him was the last thing that i ever wanted to do in my last breath.
i never wanna break up with him or imagining things not being with him...
Although he said to me, "y is it so difficult to let me go???"
Definitely, i just love him...
Let's not think about how long the period of time we had been together... think about the heart...
i may seem like the last girl on earth that u are left for....."the worst ever girl"
I know that he probably just want to stay with me because he pitied me....when we had the quarel, he just wanted a break up so badly....for how hard i try to beg him, he just don't seem to want me back....he said that," i just don't have that feeling anymore...that love feeling about u after u called me names..."
can you imagine how hurtful it is to hear ur boyfriend said that he doesn't want you anymore????
Well....that's somehow only 1/3 of the story....but we're back together...but things doesn't feel so good for me for how he's been treating me....

Rules in a relationship that i have to do.....
1. stop scolding him
2.stop calling him names
3.make him happy
4.listen to him
5.don't make him angry
6.don't make him really really angry
7.you can feel so heartbroken as you want as long as he's not hurt
8. be someone that he like, he love
9. don't talk back, don't be rebellious towards him, don't be rude
10. respect him
11.accept him as he is
12.hate myself for not being the girl of his dreams
13. hate myself for what i am
14. hate myself for making him not love me anymore
15. hate myself for being the most stupidious girl
16. i just have to hate myself
17. care for him
18.give him space to breath
19.do what he ask to do
20.be someone who he can hold on to
and lots,lots,lots,lots,lots,lots more rules.........................

Am i that bad that he have to do all this to me???
am i the most stupidious girl ever that he have to stick on to me??
if i don't love him, i don't mind leaving him just to make him happy.
i don't need advise...trust me....i'm just who i am....i regretted being the way i am now...i'm like now, trying not to drop even a drop of tears....coz i feel like shedding bloodtears....can i???

I got no one else to talk to...other then letting this out thru this blog that probably my boyfriend won't even want to drop by....it's just that...i'm being ignored....
I'm sad...totally..... what else could i do....

can you imagine that he had to saty at the wedding thing till like 6 or 7....can't he just drop by my place since my sis had invited him over???i understand...probably, his parents just don't like me...his parents doesn't allow him to come here at nite...wat's tat suppose to mean????
5 mins???4???3???2???1???Not even a second??i'll make sure one day if u got any ocaqsion at ur place, i make sure i won't come...
u noe, i've never absent myself when u got ur kenduri...ur uncle getting married, ur mum's bday....ur wateva sort of events...but mine???y ur parents can't allow it??or is it like u just don't want to come down??it's my sister's engagement day....it's like u not coming for my sister's wedding invitation...for god sake...it's my sister.......not her bday....hemm.....wat more can i do??if i go against him, he would be angry...and when he's angry, he won't love me and wants a break up....i really don't know when's the time i will want to break up with him... i just feel like...i don't mind being unhappy as long as i can be around him....

how can a girl like me be someone who is sooooo that relaxed when my heart's breaking every single second........?????how can i make him realised that being with him is an honour, but it's painful cause i' m always hurt.....

please god....show me the way....to becoming someone who is strong and not having a heart that is as fragile as a glass.....i may seem like i'm "strong" but i have a weak heart.....this is sad man....this is sickening.....i can't even stop thinking bout him but i'm hurt...unoe wat???he still haven call me....am i suppose to like just relax???the only thing he would say is tat, can't i spend the time with my cusin??ok...fine...i shut....but it hurts not hearing his voice...am i really in love with him or am i just used to this kind of lifestyle???

please don't tell me what kind of mistakes i did cause i'm tired of hearing it....from him.....trying to take good care of his heart seems easy for me but taking good care of my heart is endless....u noe, if i just is so heartless, i feel like slashing my heart into bloody hardcore pieces!!!!!
*speechless*

well, i gues it's been an hour sitting down here...it's time for me to go down and join in with my sis and the rest rather than kept thinking about my HEART that's breaking every single second...

tat's all folkss.....take care guys...love y'alll....
6.16pm

After e donuts...tooooo Ramen 10

2007-10-25T06:24:00.000-07:00

After that we went to faiz plaza to eat at ramen 10....I spent $30 on the food....
it was my treat.....

i ate salmon ramen and hubby ate beef ramen..the food was ok..but the sushi taste nicey...ove it...finally i get to eat sushi for all this years i diden eat it...lol.....

Weellll..i love you hubby...spending the time with u all day was marvellous.....mwah!!!

tat's all guys....njoyzzz!!!

our anniversary.....

2007-10-25T06:11:00.000-07:00

Tengok lah hubby i nie...penat sgt....actually....i was suppose to go school today with hubby...but we ended up not going to school....and it's both of us....hubby ngantok sgt while me....sick....
lagi pon.....hari tu kite nye aniversary....our 2 years 3 months aniversary...actually, si bf nie tak ingat...so i remind him...haha....we went breakfast at kopitiam my place...mkn yong tau fu...ngan bf i....hehe....well...we then took the bus to jurong east and go take train to....???to....plaza sing....we went jln2.....and i really2 want to buy this ring....damn fucking....opps!!!i mean damn nice lah..theres a diamond at the centre and we can move it so as to see the engraving...nanti dah siap i show...it cost $88....i paid like $20 first as deposit...no money so reserve...nanti ade duit aru gy amek...(tunggu gaji my bf ah...Haha...(evil)...)
and i definitely can't wait!!!! we then walk all the way to heeren and pasby e donuts....

So...ni lah gambar2 nye...so.....we had a great anniversary day...but i was sick after all...so....after goin out...went for dk training and i still have to strain my voice although i was sick...hemm...tat's torturing.....but wat to do....i did enjoy the part wau bulan....hehe.....so tat's all guys for now....

Love y'all...!!

20th oct..open house...and 21 oct

2007-10-25T06:05:00.000-07:00

nie gambar saye je....gambar awak2 smue kat kakak saye...ade mase nanti saye upload kan ye..pasal memory card kat kakak saye...

ini gambar saye nak gy rumah mamat saye....boyfriend saye open hous....saye pakai baju grey same ngan die...

ni gambar Khalid....anak sedare saye yang mak nye tu juare yang nyanyi lagu "bagai tarian padi....dihemus....bayu......senja.........."
ni lah anaknye....cute sgt...cerdik pulak tu.....

lepas stay umah bf saye, saye gy jln raye umah cuzin2 saye....pasal tu lah jupe ni anak sedare yang cute sgt....dah besar meshti hensem.....huhu.....

so..tat's all folks....

Saturday....20th of oct....

2007-10-24T23:56:00.000-07:00

Open house.....at my place...lots and lots of people cam to my house....best....
first, hanis came..and alone...haha....kononmye tu on behalf on smue yg tak dapat datang...well, apreciate him for making an effort to come down....
my friends....bdk dk came....nafis,jaja,almi,zul,yana,wani,atie,basy....i tink tats all....well, thanx guys for coming down...really appreciate it...and sorey lah takde pape, stakat makan je...hehe...
so...hubby cam e down late at 5++.....bfore that, zma and yusuf come down....we tak alot nad yusuf do change alot....dah macam abg2 lah katekan..haha...
hubby dah sampai kite pon mkn je...lek2 ngan abg joe(the "professional"tgn patah tu)....die ni...bebual byk nah...non stop lah...sampai malas nk layan....so...tat day was raihana's bday...my adik sedare...wah,wah,wah..wak tisah, my mum nye kakak, belikan die mp3....$99.....geret sey....jealous..tapi wat to do...bday still long2..haha....end of year lah katekan...huhu.....
so...fun lah tat day...tat's all for now.....pics...i'll upload next time..biaselah, using rp wireless ni very the very slow...so...when i'm free i'll do upload...

on the 19 oct....which is on last friday...

2007-10-24T20:17:00.000-07:00

i just did my piercing....it was definitely the only think i wanted to do with my money..i had to pay like $48 for it and to think back it's quite oklah, not that expensive...

painful???definitely yes!!!!!the person diden put any like alcohol say or any type of swaps to bear the pain....he just use the clipper to clip the naval area and just pierce it through...definitely damn f**king pain...but I LIKE!!!

so tis is how it looks like....

So...that's all folks....!!!

~RaYa PiCs~

2007-10-16T18:13:00.001-07:00

Lots of fun...LuRvEeS...The only sad thing is not getting to be with hubby on those two days....

For how bad things had been for me each and everyday, i believe things will get better for me or shud i put it, "us"...Whatever it is, i'm still living my life...not yet to the fullest but soonnn....haha....

~ToTaLLy NoT In A MoOd~

2007-10-15T08:57:00.000-07:00

I'm seriously not in a good mood....fucking no mood...i'm so fucked up at dk time and i so fucked up with zaimi!!

Noone understand me..and i mean it!!no one...i hate it when such problems crop up...
Well, i got comments that, well should i say negative comments???
Hey...hellooo??!!! ape nie??ckp that i yang salah because i diden kasi salam???heellloo???!!!i still remember clearly(DULU) that u guys say no need....i know it's of common sense but u guys really said i don need to beri salam...because of the introduction thingy...u guys sendiri cakap...u noe me...i'm very straight....u want me to do this,i do...i follow...n now u say it's my mistakes for not beri salam...u think what???u take me for an idiot who doesn't know a thing??korg sendiri ckp tak payah,abeh nak salah kan aku??ape sey...aku tak kacau korg...tak yah ah cakap tu smue...ape lagi???smue salah aku...boleh cakap satu persatu ape....kecik siak hati...satu kali go siak cakap kesalahan aku...i may seem strong in the outside but what do u take me for???i'm stil a gerl who have a fragile heart...bile pat aku, wow....semua aku nye kesalahan...bile pat die,,kau ok ah...takde masalah...pape ah...tarik diri pon baik siak..kk.....wateva ok...i had enough!!!

Nie masalah laki...si zaimi....u noe wat??i got open house on 20th..this coming saturday...which zaimi's mum knew about it..u noe wat's the next thing??die suruh zaimi keje!!?!!!!!!?sial ah...sape tak bingit sial....aku open house, mak die suruh keje...tak sengaje ke???die tau anak die tu nak datang rumah aku tolong2 buat keje,kirekan rewang ah, abeh die suruh zaimi keje....GET THE PICTURE????is this on purpose or what???i thought she have a lot of workers....asal nak kene ZAIMI.....takde org lain ke???sial ah...cukup ah...aku dah cukup siak...

Die ade open house on sunday, the day after...u noe wat i say???i actually open hous mmg on saturday and sunday but i purposely tanak invite sape2 on sunday just because nk gy rumah zaimi utk tolong2...at last???is this what i'm suppose to get back as a reward?????i just say that, fine!!i'll just stay at my hous and no need go his house cause biar aje suruh kwn2 datang on sunday...no need for me to go his house....

Sial ah...sape siak tak bingit???itu, ini...ehhhhh stress ah siak.....gini macam kepe aku dah buat byk bende utk korang semua abeh ini yang aku dapat....

been feeling down....don't disturb me....

My new Hair!!&Hari Raya Pics!!

2007-10-14T23:33:00.000-07:00

GeT ThiS ClEaR,I ain't EMO....

My BeLoVed NePheW
My BeLoVed Dad

My BeLoVeD HuBbY

Nak Amek GaMbAr Tapi AdE Je Org SiBuk Kat BlakAnG Me AnD BeLoVeD NePhEw

Me And CuzIn

Selamat Hari Raya!!!

2007-10-14T18:05:00.000-07:00

Selamat Hari Raya to All and apologising for all the mistakes that i've done before or hurt your feelings and all.....Apologising...!!!!Lol....Well, have a great hari raya yarh....

the continuation....

2007-10-07T17:59:00.000-07:00

after that fight, we are baqq together...can someone pls notice that everytime we fought, we want a break up but in the end he will come crawling baqq at me....now, its like no use we say a break up but we didn't proceed....it's like feeling really not afraid at all when we talked about break ups because in the end we will come together and be together baqq as per normal..wats that suppose to mean...every time he breaks my heart into pieces and the next thing we're baqq together???are my feelings suppose to be a lie??was my feelings supose to be played just like tat???love do hurt...and yes it does....

so...this was wen we're baqq together....

On the 5th oct, after dikir, which ended at 6 plus +.....when meet hanis...my bro...he went to causeway to break fast there, so he decided to meet me annddd so we met....we ate takoyaki and stuffyz...and me all the way listening to his crapz....alll about girls....wel, he diden change a bit since the last time i talk to him like for few years ago...

well, wateva it is..the days over...

Although my bf don feel like letting me go, i was still stubborn...so...ya....i was stubborn....

so....wateva...

feeling fuck up wif life....

i didn't expect my life to be this bad...

2007-10-03T06:20:00.000-07:00

Although it has been a log time since i've blog...well, todAy is the rigt day to blog...

trust me...lie isn't as perfect or as good as i thought it would be...

I just had a fought with him...we plan to have a break up...

This was wad happen...he was feeling fuck up with his life...with his parents and stuff...i can't exactly remember but let me think....

Ohk...tis was wad hapen... i wanted to go to causeway for a while to do some window shopping..he den said that i was now to aring and so brave enough to go out without him...i was wondering, helloooO!!!! aren't i beig alone rite now, everyday goin home alone???isn't it the same as goin for a walk alone??he jus said that i wasn't understanding...well, wateva it is, i diden go causeway jus because i have to make him feel better. u noe wat's the nex thing he said??he said i'm the same as his parents!!!!i'm like,HELLO!!!don't u dare think that i'm identical to ur parents..u can just uck off my life u ass!!!i hate him.....sooo much.....whenever i say things, he always make it worst like....,, he wud say that he sense something bad goin to hapen and then he keep on saying...i told you something bad gonna hapen...he is tooo over reacting and i hate that!!!!

I really believe now that "GUYS WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND A GIRL'S FEELINGS FOR REAL.THEY WOULD ONLY KNOW HOW TO SWEET TALK U GERLS AND NEVER GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS WHEN THEY JUST TOTALLY THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES"

I TOTALLY HATE HIM FOR THAT RITE NOW...

I'm so sick and tired of him being too over-reacting...i had enough....IZYAN had enough of her life.....

U noe wat's the best thing he said to me?? " i'll see how long you can leave without me"

I can't go on no more.....i'll blog again when i can really sit down and type...cos my tears just keep on dripping from my eyes....

so....i'm off....i'll story next time....I'll let this pic shows how down and disappointed i am rite now...

I'm lonely and sad and disappointed..so leave me all alone as u like and let me bleed in a secluded desert where no one could find me...where no one could notice me....a solitary existence...

Signing off at 10.06pm....

BoRed to death........

2007-09-20T18:58:00.000-07:00

IIIIII""""""MMMMMMM BBBBOOOORRRREEEDDDDDDD!!!!!!!

Feeling bored each and everyday..But atleast this new classmates of mine are not boring...some likes to make jokes...some are just so hardworking...and some are toooooo hardworking like being in a one man show....Well....nothing much to tak about them coz...its still the beginning rite??

Well, today is friday and definitely i'm so happy cos finally 2moro i'll be able to stay home for the whole day..well supposenly, i should be working...no idea y ibu alizah(huby's mum) says i not working but huby is working...12 to 6pm...too bad then coz i will ot be able to mit my beloved hubby....Oh....i miss him so much...been waiting for his call like from 9??well, just 1 hour plus yet i'm missing him...I don noe yarh but i just got tis feeling like although we can't call each other anymore, he still seems to be so happy with his friend like forgetting me everytime he's in school....Is tis like actually an opportunity for him to get his freedom???is it making him feeling happy all the time without me by his side???Is he still loving me like the way i'm sooo crazy over him???This are just stuffyzzz that won't be answered......

watsoever, will ahve to help mum tomorrow then since i'll be at home...need to make lots and lots of kuih....

Having too much to think rite now, after school today, there will be dk...n i hope everything will be able to goes smoothly....well, i dunno if i can sing or i the mood to sing today....fasting month rite???throat very the dry one....haha.....anw, still thinking bout y hp billssss......since i paid $30 the other day, i still left with like $120++....wel, no use cos, i will still be $150 back because it will be increasing soon for this month..haiya....wen can i finally get baqq my line so that i will be able to cal my hubby and not missing him this badly or getting worried that he would totally forgetting me....(well anw, rite now, i think hubby is at changi de factory or sumthing where those aerospace engineers work......???confirm he so de happy...that is his ever dream now that he wud want...) Well, cant wait to let today end....i hope tonite hubby want to mit me.....i mis him....definitely i'm gonna ask him to come over to my place de....wateva it is...Loving him till death....

3rd day of skul.....

2007-09-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

Another day of boring stuffyz....however, team was great...and fun i guess???well, wateva it is, here is wat i wanna share.....

I miss my hubby so much....caled him just now morning when i reached woodlands mrt......while he was in the bus otw to j.e interchange..Wel, i put 20cents so its like 4 mins..hais....we used to talk for hours and now???4 mins???wat the ****......haiz....wat to do....life have to go on.....i have to do on and on and o for a few more days to then cann i get my line baqq......well, only been ike 3 -4 days and i can't take it no more...Now is 10.50 a.m. and hubby haven even got the phone to call me...told him to find a payphone wen he reaches boon keng...well, he diden.....guess so....cos he is suppose to be reaching skul like at 9++am.....

well, wateva it is, i'm stil missing him so much....since yesterday, the moment we were separated at the bus stop...yesterday night, we met at abt 8 n went to my bro's place and hang arnd there.....he was suppose to follow his fams to parkway parade but he diden want to because he do not want me to feel dissapointed....well, yarh....thanx for doing that for me....i'll love u more for that ok????

So, we went out of my bro's house at abt 9.15pm???? we went to find a payphone so that he cann kol his dad and ask wher he is now....so, he called and his dad just fetch his uncle from work and fetching his aunt at west mall....so, he then diden want t go home first and so he went to westmall jut because he don want to be at home alone....haiyo.....so before that we got the time....so we went kfc for a while bt then it's closing...and so, it's alredy 10pm....so we just sat near the streets...hang out for a while and then he left taking the bus to west mall.....while i waited for my mum who have ask me to deposit her money to her ank for her....and so, we went home.....

feeling so tired and slept at 12.....woke up to eat at 4am,smoke and brush teeth and wash face and started the fasting....and so i lept baqq till tis morning at 7am....

so that's wat hapen.... i'm still missing hubby lots.....i guess, i'll have to go woodlands later to kol him.....haiz.....n yarh,i forgot...i'm not meeting him tonite....guess he can't go out because he had been going baqq late for the last few days.....hemmm.....tell him WATEVA!!!!!
cozz i miss himm sooo muchh.....

New beginning sux...

2007-09-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

yesterday was the first day of semester 2 with new faces..well, the class was fine...i don mind too much cos gotten use having friends with strangers..watsoever, straight to the point,,,,,,,,,,,

My hp long ago was alredy cut off....n yesterday, i diden get a chance to talk to hubby using my hp cos, his hp got cut off too....WTF..i'm so fuckingly sad n stress over this stupid FUCkiNG matter....now,it's over...how m i suppose to contact huby??how???

U noe wat??i borrowed like $50 from my mum so that i cud pay my bill so tat the line can be operated back...i paid $30 for mine and suppose to be a surprise by paying $20 for hubby's line..but guesssss lah??? the operator said i should pay like another $80 plus so as to get that line back...like wat soever!!!!!!i'm so regretting it borrowing money from my mum...n wher the fuck am i suppose to dig out that money...WORK!!!WORK!!!!AND WORK!!!!!

So, if u guys want to noe y i leave home early for DK yesterday was because i don have the money to buy food to break fast!!!if even i have money, i wudn't want to waste the fucking money just on food!!!i wud rather use it for some other important stuffy!!!!

NOw, in class, i got nothing to do cos i'm so fucked up!!!i can't kol hubby...n i nd money to pay for my bills.......n how m i suppose to survive without a phone??????hubby's my responsibilities!!!!

If wanting to wait for my pay, i only got $200+....
minus my transportation of at least $65.....minus my hp bill like $150 including the money i owe my mum!!!!like watsoever lah!!!!So????wher goes my shopping for hari raya stuffyyZZZZ?????
i'm not living life as easy as u guys think but my parents aren't like urs who wud give u guys the money for this,for that and for everything....wat more can i do????having my dad getting pay like as much as $3000+ n still can't help me out when her own daughter is having financial crisis!!!!!!!

ANyone able to help me????

WELL, i know no one will.......

Watsoever.....i'm still living my life with full of stressing arnd and arnd and arnd................

ALL tat has happen for this few days.....

2007-09-02T05:22:00.000-07:00

3 weeks of holiday was not awesome at all......
ok....firstly....there was work....there was chalet wif my dk crew....there was bbq wif my ite balestier crew.....there was dk trainings......
so...tat was how i spent my 3 week short holiday.....
well....here's all that i can show...

spending my 10 bucks on banquet food wif my hubby
hubby taking pics wif his bestie....wif zma putting her hands on his bestie
Me wif my two darlings hanging arnd near jp
Old SkooL
hubby like a small kid

hubby trying out the thingy while me,letting the wind blow away my stress

Goin jp wif my bestie and my hubby was a great fun...thanx guys for the fun time.....

(31 aug 2007)

~22 AuGuSt 2007~

2007-08-22T21:53:00.000-07:00

It's my 2 years 1 month anniversary with my huby....

Hapy anniversary darling.....!!

But i'm sorry i diden get to spend the time with u today because i got dikir training....i'm so sorry dear....But in future, i'll take a day off to cover it up ye darling......

yesterday....had a fought with hubby....~20 august 2007~

2007-08-20T20:43:00.000-07:00

I meet hubby at about 4.00pm...Rebecca release us early since it's the last lesson and she bought everyone waffles...there was chocolate and blueberry...i ate half of it and leave the other half for hubby.....Hubby came rite straight after skul and came to see me at osc...love him for coming down here...Thanx hubby...i appreciate it.... We went home, took the train....i was rushing off back home cause i was having redlight district....haha..lol....(u no wat i mean)....

Anw, baq to here....we were talking about this name that we juz made for us...."SPONGEEMIE" and "SPONGEEIZZY"...i sudden ly felt so like i don like the name "MIE" because it sounded like one of the bitches name found in my list of BITCHES....it sounded so similar so i said to him that i don think it's a nice name....and he asked y??i said it sounded like a bitch name...and he said orh......so i was like wondering....does he know who i was refering to??and he actually know...i force him to say who...and finally he said...."IZA".....i was like so dissappointed...anw, that after noon before meeting him, i went to view this bitch profile....got to know that her name is NUR HAMIZAHWATI.....i hate her soooooo much....she's a bitch.......u noe...this bitch tried to take away my hubby away from me..this incident like happened about last 5 months..SHe was the third party...i hate her...and whatever it is, i still can't forget that black incident....i hate her!!!!bitch!!!!

And yarh...anw(got to carried away by that BITCH...haha..)I was so dissapointed because he still remember that bitch name...i hate her....i hate him....i thought she knew her name only "IZA" but actually he knows the full name....how can i not be so disapointed....i was crying, sitting by the side of the window panel in the train while hugging my bag....who doesn't feel like crying after getting to know that ur guy actually remember his admirer's name...who wouldn't feel down, sad, angry and stuff....

I feel so down till night...i thought i wud just forget it....when we reach lakeside, we walked to my place, i got change and everything and met him under my block...so, we talk as per normal since i don want ot brag about that stupid matter....we watch this movie for a while...don noe lah wat korean show..it was boring...we ate nasi lemak that i bought from home since my huby was hungry...pitied him....

next, we got thirsty so we wwnt to buy some drinks and all of a sudden, i can't quite remember ut we suddenly had a quarel.....about this blog....firstly, i had this blog long ago..i created for myself and my hubby where when we are angry or sad or whatever, this blog will be like where we can express our feelings and stuff....but then, everything changes...i said that now, i did this blog because of my friends....u guys told me to start doin this blog and hep me out in this blog and stuff...so...i guess...tats true enough since hubby did not use this blog as what i've said...he didn't put any effort to even know my password or how are we suppose to do the blog or our post and stuff...he doesn't even care....

SO ain't i truthful enough....??

So, he got mad...saying, i'm always able to do wat i want and he not getting wat he wants....

Well, to a certain extent, i do agree to him but....i'm a girl....and he'sa guy....we're totally different......

We kept on fighting and fighting till nite...i asked for a break up since he thinks tat i'm soooo bad...he kept on complaining about my attitude and stuff...i give upp.....i walked away form him but he followed me and pull me back to settle this problem...i still don want too.....we den walk away from each other...guess wat he did??He stand at the middle of the road!!!i'm like wat????!!!no way i'm letting u go...i shouted to him, if u love me u better come baq to me or i really will break up with u.....

i'm like, oh my gosh!!!arh!!!thank god he walk towards the path way. tat was safe...we still are angry at each other..we still stood away from each other..untill, he switch on his phone and turn on a malay song called "Apa artinya cinta..." again and again....i was like wat??!!!we were fighting and suddenly like a very romantic and emotional moment...it'slike in the movies when a guy and a gerl sitting side my side silently and there's a backgroung music....haha...i was like so blank lah!!!haha...this song is like so the emotional..one day i free i'l translate it to english...

Back to the story, he sang that song and i kept on cryig and crying....he suddenly came to my side and hug me...i felt terible having tis argument with him...i hug him and apologised to him...same he also did....so...we were ok back...help him wash his face as he was crying soo badly...

Told him to go back home...and so....that's how it ended.....

Bored by the life.......

me and my hubby when to amk hub....

2007-08-19T07:06:00.000-07:00

It wasn't as great as ever before me and my hubby meet up...i was so dressed up to go somewhere fun, exciting, happening or wat so ever...lol....it's sunday...come on....! but my hubby was so boring....he asked me out to amk hub...i'm like???huh???

Boring.....SO.....i had to...no other place to o since hubby don want to go town...

So....we reached amk at about 3.30pm.....it was raining heavily den....the shopping mall was like...boring....i'm like dying to go window shopping at topshop...but ended up goin amk to some boring shops....haha....so...we walk arnd at see wats there interesting....saw some nice good food shops....the icecream...the yoghurt kind of ice cream...wow wee....delicious..to bad...i'm in a budget....saw one interesting shop selling nice sport shoes...i mean like "soccer"....hmm....guys stuff....but the shop only se limited edition ones so...tats y....well, it's affordable...if i've got the cash, i'll buy hubby one....(like if i want to waste money on him...i would rather go shopping..haha)

And so...it gos on...we went to the bottom floor...saw ots and lots of food stalls...Ther's the "gogo" shop...we bought spaghetti at $3.80...it's like so cheap and halal lah....it's like so delicious with hotdogs...and we can even choose wat flavour o hotdog we want....hmmm.....delicious...well next...we went to buy this "1A" puff?? it's halal...never knew about that..well, we bought chilli crab puff and chocolate puff at a total of $3.40...we went to eat near a staircase ther cause ther's like no other place to seat since it wass raining....and trust me guys...the food is ike sooooooo damn nice lah..delicious....!!!especially the chocolate puff..it's like curry puff but inside is chocolate...trust me....u guys wud want to give it a TRY....

So next...no wher else to go..we went home...took the train..we were so bored and started playing hubby's psp...we played this us pool and uk pool...yarh something like tat...and guess wat....??haha...i beated him...he lost!!!haha...(but actually no lah...he won many times than i do...but still i did win once or twice..haha...)

So.....we reach lakeside at about 6.30pm....we bought tis rice ball at mr bean..wow...it was delicious too...we sat near my bk and eat together....after eating, i was so touch by huby....he sang this song, called "apa artinya cinta" which means "what is the meaning of love"....he sang it so emotionally that i felt so great listening and making me falling in loooovvvveee with him again..haha....wellll, love him for that.....

Then, we went home...hugs and kisses to hubby...and off we go.....

Took at AMK mrt station....

While waiting for the train....we sAw like our bus...well, not really our us but the number that represent us.....haha...long story about the number....to shorten it, it's the date/number that we stead.....So....this is it.....

It's 22....

Oh yarh....b4 ending today.....i was having hiccup the whole day and hubby kept on picking on me...haha.....huby noty!!!he said that ther's this thing wen we are having hiccup, someone will have to make u feel shock, surprise so that it will stop the hiccup...so hubby kept on shocking me....he said ther was a cockroach but ended up saying a fan....haha...he said "u, ade kipas...." but it's suppose to be "lipas".....like haha.......whatever it is....i love him...i love hubby....haha....wil keep on trying to stop this hiccup...still having it now although its 10.44p now.....wel....see ya.....

lots of hugs and kisses....mwah(x22)!!!!

NItes now.......

ThE BeGiNnInG.....aLL AbOuT Me....

2007-08-13T20:01:00.000-07:00

I'm going 18 this year on the 31 december....A long way to go...

I'm a very simple girl, who have a mother, a father,an elder married brother with two sonsand an elder sister.

Firstly, about my family. I do love my family soooo much...Who doesn't rite?

Well, ther's a lot of things that are lacking in my family...the consent, care, love....and whatever that is needed in a family. My mum don care much about me...what i di in school, my whereabouts and etc. Sometimes, when i went home late at nite, she doesn't even care...I think if i didn't come home also make no difference.WooW...WeeeW!!! Sometimes, i went home feeling tired and hungry, guess wat??my mum didn't cook anything for me to eat.....It's a pity....When i'm sick,i'm all alone....My parents just don care...

Let's talk about my dad...My dad is quite caring and funny at times...I know that he is the most valued person in my family. Although sometimes i feel that he's irritating and useless, i still know that he loves me lots...Why is tat??

There was once when i told him that i was hungry and thought of asking him to buy me some food, he said he don have money but then, he said..."nevermind, later i reach home, i cook for u..."isn't that shhhwwwiiitttt of him......Haiz....

But this hapen only at times, not all the time...There's still alotof conflicts in my family...I'm always out of cash....Guess wat??i'm not as lucky like u gerls out ther who are so pampered by parents....my monthly allowance is $100 and i got no daily money for food given from parents and i have to do my own shopping, pay hp bills....etc....I don tink i got the money to go shopping even...isn't it a pity...

Being in this kind of life has actually made me more independent. I always rely on myself and not much dependent to others.Enough of this...

Let me share my love life...I've been with my hubby since 22 july 2005...so it's like 2 years now....I got to know my hubby from my sister...My sister used to be together wif his uncle but they broke up...it's a pity....So, after getting to know him, we fell in love....Actually, it was love in first sight...i was with someone else at that time and he was also with omeone else...So it's like actually, we both are being unloyal to our partners...However, it wasn't a dissapointment because we stayed together quite long and i'll always stay loyal to him....We love each other so much and never wanna be separated yap...

i love him soooo much no matter wat......

This is US!!!!!

Love us.......

In ThE oLd DaYs....

2007-08-13T19:47:00.000-07:00

You are like my mirror

Where it reflects my appearance

You are like my studies

Where it brings me to my future

You are the lights in my eyes

You are the sun in my life

Where it shines everytime

When I'm happy

You are like the clouds in the sky

Which rain when time comes

Which thunder may storm

As when everything stops,

You shine with your beautiful colours of a rainbow

The night is always cold but warm

You are like the blanket I need when night falls

but if light start shining through my window,

I forgot....

Forgot...........

To give you my good night wishes....

Good good night

Sleep tight tight

Sweet sweet dreams

Don't sleep late dear.....

Cause tomorrow is a new day

I love you so much

I miss you so much

MUACKS!MUACKS!MUACKS!MWAH!

MWAH!MWAH!MWAH!MWAH!MWAH!

Done On September 2005....

For my beloved hubby....

~LoVe~

2007-05-14T23:12:00.001-07:00

Love is Accepting.
Acceptance is labeling someone as "okay" and having no particular desire to change them. Who they are is perfectly fine with you. You pose no condition on whether you will love them or not. This is call unconditional love. When your love IS conditional, the moment they step outside your set of conditions, love evaporates.
Love is Appreciating.
Appreciation is one step beyond acceptance. Its when your focus is on what you like about another. We look at them and feel this sweeping appreciation for who they are, their joy, their insights, their humor, their companionship, etc. When someone says they are "in love" with another, they mean their appreciation is so enormous for this person that it consumes their every thought.
Love is Wanting Another to Feel Good.
We want those we love to be happy, safe, healthy, and fulfilled. We want them to feel good in all ways, physically, mentally and emotionally.