I've not been blogging like since forever...i've got no time in mind to blog and when i feel like blogging, it's just not the appropriate time because blogging in school, it takes so long to upload pictures...and while at home, it's just been tiring for me.....
well, guess???
I'm left at home with nothing to do... today's my sister's engagement day and boyfriend's not here with me..."busy with his family outing to his cousins wedding invitations"....
I've never been putting him aside whenever i'm with my cuzin or any kind of event...he's either always there with me or it's just that both of us are busy...but, today...is totally different... i'm here sitting down infront of my comp with a down face, ALTHOUGH it was my sister's engagement day... i diden even have the time to smoke things out....wat a sad thing to be doing now....
Alot of things have been happenning recently in my love life... we had the like 2nd biggest quarrel ever had on our 2 years 4 months anniversary....a bad one....
well....this will explain....
Paramore - My Heart lyricsI am finding out that maybe I was wrongThat I've fallen down and I can't do this aloneStay with me, this is what I need, please?Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to youWe could sing our own but what would it be without you?I am nothing now and it's been so longSince I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hopeThis time I will be listening.Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to youWe could sing our own but what would it be without you?This heart, it beats, beats for only youThis heart, it beats, beats for only youThis heart, it beats, beats for only youMy heart is yoursThis heart, it beats, beats for only youMy heart is yours(My heart, it beats for you)This heart, it beats, beats for only you (It beats, beats for only you)My heart is yours (My heart is yours)This heart, it beats, beats for only you (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)My heart, my heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is yours(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is yours(Please don't go, please don't fade away) (Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is...Well....paramore's been my bestfriend these few days.....
Probably, breaking up with him was the last thing that i ever wanted to do in my last breath.
i never wanna break up with him or imagining things not being with him...
Although he said to me, "y is it so difficult to let me go???"
Definitely, i just love him...
Let's not think about how long the period of time we had been together... think about the heart...
i may seem like the last girl on earth that u are left for....."the worst ever girl"
I know that he probably just want to stay with me because he pitied me....when we had the quarel, he just wanted a break up so badly....for how hard i try to beg him, he just don't seem to want me back....he said that," i just don't have that feeling anymore...that love feeling about u after u called me names..."
can you imagine how hurtful it is to hear ur boyfriend said that he doesn't want you anymore????
Well....that's somehow only 1/3 of the story....but we're back together...but things doesn't feel so good for me for how he's been treating me....
Rules in a relationship that i have to do.....
1. stop scolding him
2.stop calling him names
3.make him happy
4.listen to him
5.don't make him angry
6.don't make him really really angry
7.you can feel so heartbroken as you want as long as he's not hurt
8. be someone that he like, he love
9. don't talk back, don't be rebellious towards him, don't be rude
10. respect him
11.accept him as he is
12.hate myself for not being the girl of his dreams
13. hate myself for what i am
14. hate myself for making him not love me anymore
15. hate myself for being the most stupidious girl
16. i just have to hate myself
17. care for him
18.give him space to breath
19.do what he ask to do
20.be someone who he can hold on to
and lots,lots,lots,lots,lots,lots more rules.........................
Am i that bad that he have to do all this to me???
am i the most stupidious girl ever that he have to stick on to me??
if i don't love him, i don't mind leaving him just to make him happy.
i don't need advise...trust me....i'm just who i am....i regretted being the way i am now...i'm like now, trying not to drop even a drop of tears....coz i feel like shedding bloodtears....can i???
I got no one else to talk to...other then letting this out thru this blog that probably my boyfriend won't even want to drop by....it's just that...i'm being ignored....
I'm sad...totally..... what else could i do....
can you imagine that he had to saty at the wedding thing till like 6 or 7....can't he just drop by my place since my sis had invited him over???i understand...probably, his parents just don't like me...his parents doesn't allow him to come here at nite...wat's tat suppose to mean????
5 mins???4???3???2???1???Not even a second??i'll make sure one day if u got any ocaqsion at ur place, i make sure i won't come...
u noe, i've never absent myself when u got ur kenduri...ur uncle getting married, ur mum's bday....ur wateva sort of events...but mine???y ur parents can't allow it??or is it like u just don't want to come down??it's my sister's engagement day....it's like u not coming for my sister's wedding invitation...for god sake...it's my sister.......not her bday....hemm.....wat more can i do??if i go against him, he would be angry...and when he's angry, he won't love me and wants a break up....i really don't know when's the time i will want to break up with him... i just feel like...i don't mind being unhappy as long as i can be around him....
how can a girl like me be someone who is sooooo that relaxed when my heart's breaking every single second........?????how can i make him realised that being with him is an honour, but it's painful cause i' m always hurt.....
please god....show me the way....to becoming someone who is strong and not having a heart that is as fragile as a glass.....i may seem like i'm "strong" but i have a weak heart.....this is sad man....this is sickening.....i can't even stop thinking bout him but i'm hurt...unoe wat???he still haven call me....am i suppose to like just relax???the only thing he would say is tat, can't i spend the time with my cusin??ok...fine...i shut....but it hurts not hearing his voice...am i really in love with him or am i just used to this kind of lifestyle???
please don't tell me what kind of mistakes i did cause i'm tired of hearing it....from him.....trying to take good care of his heart seems easy for me but taking good care of my heart is endless....u noe, if i just is so heartless, i feel like slashing my heart into bloody hardcore pieces!!!!!
*speechless*
well, i gues it's been an hour sitting down here...it's time for me to go down and join in with my sis and the rest rather than kept thinking about my HEART that's breaking every single second...
tat's all folkss.....take care guys...love y'alll....
6.16pm
