_life still goes on_

Life still as bad as it seems...i just hope for a miracle to happen.....

Huby.....i hope you'll stay to love me my whole life............You're everything and i'm so willingly to do anything for you....i can't lose you.....you're my everything....Please don't ignore me...more importantly, pls don't ignore US....our life, our relationship and our futurelies in your hand...i mean you decide your life.....

I really hope you'll stay happy with me till eternity.....

If you really want to leave me then hurt my feeling like nobody business so that i won't have a single dot of love for you....(but i really hope that won't happen ya dude)

Ok2....serious matter....i just love you so much and no one will ever replace you for the good or for the worst......I love you......

Ended blogging : 3.02pm-30-01-2008

~bad days~

Life's bad....on the day that i broke up with him, i came to mit him under his blk.....i told him to come down, but he diden....suddenly, i saw his uncle,argh!!!he saw me cry...shit!!..now he's goin to tell bf's parents...thanx ah.....but then, he said, bf's not at home...i'm like shit!!!wher did he go sey????got to know he just came baq with parents from work...tau tak yang i very sad....he left me all alone sayig he does't want to mit me, saying his tired but then he was at work....y diden he wnt to mit me at work or sumthing...itupon tanak....mit up...and i was so crazy...ike hel crazy...mind went haywire and i can't think straight.beg him like hell to come baq to me...i think and i believe that he came baq to me because he don't want anything crazy to happen or because he just sympathise me....



Sape tak kesian kan pompuan giler macam aku nie???



erm......i don't think he reads my blog cos kan die selalu busy and dah takde mase for me...u noe i feel really jealous when i see guys who blogs or give love letters to their girlfren....they express their biggest eelings to the girl and let the girl feel so touch.....aku tak tau lah....aku tak tau ape lagi nak buat utk baik kan situasi nie....



if only HE is reading....



Dear hubby,



pertame sekali i ingin mintak maaf ngan u dulu. Memang i tahu yang i dah buat byk salah kat u..sakit kan hati u.....buat u rase takut...utk dgr kate i aje....buat u macam anjing kan???ye...i sedar kesilapan i tapi mesti ke u layan i, treat me like this.....u start to scold me.....make me feel so scared and hurt my feelings.....?



i know that maybe u nak balas dendam...by, kalau u nak balas dendam kat i u cakap je k....u tak payah nak treat i this way...bilang aje, "i nak u rasekan ape yang i rasekan dulu!!"

U tak perlu nak sengaje treat i this way...buat i nangis every single day....u ckp u penat nak layan i???do u noe how hurtful it is???abeh u ingat i tak penat skrg every single day nak pikir kan pasal perasaan u...u tau sampai i dah tak kenal diri i sendiri...utk u punye kesenangan, i sanggup buat tapi ape i dapat???i sanggup tapi u cume tau untuk balas dendam...sakit kan hati i....



by, i sayang sgt dgn u...i tanak putus dgn u. i nak kite hapi2 je mcm pertame kali kite jumpe....tapi u???u dah tanak i lagi...dah malas nak layan i. i noe deep inside you masih nak putus ngan i....pasal u dah malas, dah jelak, dah bosan dgn i...i just don't get u no more...u dah berubah....berubah by.....dah tak kenal...mungkin i dah tak bergune lagi dalam hidup u???


I don't mind being treated this way k...i'll just look upon the future to what i have to go through wif you....i hope wat u said about "our love won't last till eternity" is not true......


*BaBy IzZy*

ended blogging: 2.45pm- 30-1-2008

~dk training~

Firstly, ladiez, endangs...i'm sorry i can't attend todays training...sorry k....aku sakit and i just injured my leg...so, i guess i can't make it....sorry ye darlingz....

Heartbroken

i still can't believe that he is still bahaving this way to me....i'm starting to be suspicious of him...
You see....continuing back to yesterday's story wher i diden know what to reply to him when he msg what promise could i make for him....i still don't know and he told me that i should promise him to give him breathing space....actually he ask me about what does he mean by my breathing space...but i asked him back cos for me....i don want any breathing space. when i fall, i fall hard....
and i only want to spend time with HIM every single day and every single second but wat more can i do if he just don't want it. to him, freedom is something that he needs and for me i don't want it...Oh GOD.pls show me the right path.....he still acts angry and harsh to me till nw...and the reason is he said he still hears my voice insulting him....i really feel like giving up...he said his heart still hurts and that's y he's been acting this way.....for wat i know, i'm heartbroken too....in a mince of thinking about it aready makes me wanna cry...really....i'm really hurt but now, i realsie no one gives a damn.....u see.....i'm the type of person who doesn't have friends.....i just realise today that i got no good friends in RP..i don't know why......if only i have close friend...i would always wanna go out with them every single day and hang out with them but u see.....i got no one...i wish i could.....

Today
he's tired of me......he doesn't want to mit me....i'm so disappointed..........ape aku nak buat....ikut kan hati mmg sedang menangis di hati...since i'm in school, i can't cry....i'm so sad....i can't go on anymore.....ingat satu hari kau akan nampak ape yang kau telah lakukan pade aku......engkau akan nampak...amin.....(i prayed hard that one day, you will see the outcome of what you have done to me)

ended blogging at 3.38pm in school....

i'm totally broken hearted....

he asked for a break up.....mati-mati nak putus....macam mane boleh rabak gini...i want to die now...can????suicide????can????i don need any future no more....he's seriously want a break up...jahat sgt ke aku sampai die sanggup ckp putus????Ya Allah!!!tolong lah aku.....

asik die mintak putus,putus,putus....takde org yang pernah aku rely on mcm mane aku rely kat die...dah macam darah daging sendiri.depressed siak....harap2 takde pape kan jadi kat aku...

I'm so sad....boyfren doesn't want me anymore.....i don't know what else to change the situation....even the word "I LOVE YOU" doesn't work on him..................

indah, manisnya cinta,
semuanya terasa indah
bagai dek alam
cerita cinta hadir bahagia selama-lama.

katamu kekasih yang sedang kita alami
takkan kekal tuk selamanya
mengapa kekasih tiada kau percaya
kebenaran cerita kita,

bagaimanakah lagi untuk aku buktikan
selamilah pada kejujuranku.
jadikanku arjuna,arjuna di hatimu.
Percayalah oh puteri.......

ni lah ape yang aku rasekan skrg.......i'm so useless yet no one cares.....he hates me now and i don't know what else to do you see.....of cos i don't want a break up. i really, really do love him truly from my heart...i got scolded from parents when i firstly started the relationship but i still go on strong....our relationship did exist a third party, by my naked eyes but, i still love him and doesn't hate him.....what ever that he did to me that's hurtful, i tried to let go......and still love him more than today but....y didn't he see's that all in his heart....i noe...i'm wrong.....i call him names, hurt his feelings and it's definitely hard for him to please me....i know i'm the stupid one but do i deserve this after all that we've gone through for 2 years 6 months and 2 days????

now...i'm blogging at8.20pm at my bro's hous and he just msg me saying if i were to patch things up wif him, wat will i promise him....???

I don't know if i could make him happy...with my stupid fucking attitude like this...how am i suppose to promise him anything.....this seems hard for me....u noe...i wish i could make him happy by breaking up with him but....it's hard for me to be single...i can't...i was mend to live with him my whole life...i was never embarrassed when i m with him...i got no secrets hidden from him...well...maybe for a guy like him, i'm sure he have secrets......he had never tried to tell me anything about his guy stuff....although i seem to be interested...well, back to here....i just replied to him the i promise that i will be willingly to die for his love.....i don't know lah...i seriously want to make him happy by breaking up with him because he wants it.....but since i can't, i don't know what to say.....................

To be continued....

ended blogging at 8.28pm

*I'm trying to be an apathetic person but........*

Apathetic-having or showing little or no emotion
i never really wanted to be apathetic until to day because i felt that i'm soo into my feelings. I like to express and follow my feelings and my heart too much thati end up with y own mess. I really hope that i could be apathetic but how am i suppose to???I'm a woman and a woman always have their feelings being showed and never want to let go of problems unless the "guys" will be able to show them their sincerity on apologising or solving this thingsso that we woman will feel better or relieve. But do guys ever think that way???well some guys do...for me....not at all.....I'm very fussy and definitely it's dificult to satisfy me..But well, if he even notice and observe me and know me that well after 2 years 6 months together, he doesn't even know how to do all that. I'm dissappointed that after al this time being together, he doesn't even know how to satisfy me....how sad...

Today
he definitely nail it. He let me go to school alone, have late nights and giving me stupid reasons on why he wants to be this way. Fine....nothing i could do or says now works on him. I just give up ok.....he wants this not me. Being egoistic and does't wan tto give face to his own girlfriend. Hey..i'm his girlfriend and he have to say something like do what you want,u started it because of your attitude,u think if u say all this would make me come back to you?if you are brave enough, go ahead and do it. no one can take ur attitude. u like the way it is rite now. so u can cut the crap.don make me as the thing u throw ur stupid ideas to.

I'm so sad..I've been patient for like more than 12 hours not being in good terms with him. I'm so.....so.....sad......i tried to flirt around but i just can't because my heart is still with him.....i still love him for whatever that he had done to me till i'm like this but still i love him....i really wanna be apathetic.


To be continued.....

*what i'm feeling right now*

Gerhana meliputi segala
Tiada lagi sinaran cahaya
Keinginan tanpa kepastian
Tak mampu rasanya ku teruskan
Ku meneruskan...
Chorus
Biarlah ku relakan segala
Walau hidupku sebuah tanda tanya
Mengapa...
Biarpun tak mampuku bertahan
Tak akan pernahku akui kalah
Masih terdampar ku disini
Tiada jalan mungkinku lalui
Harusnya hidupku dipersenda
Mengharungi dugaan melanda
Ku berserah...
Chorus
Biarlah ku relakan segala
Walau hidupku sebuah tanda tanya
Mengapa...
Biarpun tak mampuku bertahan
Tak akan pernahku akui kalah
Ending
Tuhanku ku relakan segala
Takkan pernahku akui kalah
Percayaku yakin padanya
Dia yang menentukan semua
Ku berserah...